Jokes & Animations

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner,
as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?"
he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in,
you're always welcome, Tim.

But where's my husband?" 
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.

"There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.
I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
"Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no.
Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

A good-OLE-boy staggered home late after another evening with his
drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened
entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung
around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled
down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the
mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full
box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on
each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he
managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his
wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You
were drunk again last night!!!"

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and
replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the
bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house,
and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly.... it's all those band aids stuck on
the downstairs mirror!"

A deformed and ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made
love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno...never found the head."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The
first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I
can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!"
They both continue drinking.

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's,"
replied the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to
St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?"
he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through."

 Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plow can get through."

 Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

 The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?